Defining Happiness
by phannah17
Summary: She has been planning this moment for years. When she was a small child her mother had always told her what she needed to do. “Find a rich pureblood boy, Pansy,” she would say in that grating voice of hers. “Then you’ll have happiness.” So she had.


She has been planning this moment for years.

When she was a small child her mother had always told her what she needed to do. "Find a rich pureblood boy, Pansy," she would say in that grating voice of hers. "Then you'll have happiness."

So she had.

Draco Malfoy was a pureblood, rich as could be, and a Slytherin. She knew her mother would be proud when she sent home the letter telling her she had found the man she was going to marry. It was the first time her mother had ever praised her.

She had smiled for days.

Draco hadn't been very willing at first. In fact, he had been rather cruel to her, insulting both her looks and intelligence. He thought she didn't catch onto the way he made snide comments over her potions work, but she had always heard. She wasn't stupid, just biding her time.

Once third year had come around everything had started to change. She may not have been the prettiest girl in their year, but she had easily been the most willing. Her mother had always said practice made perfect.

She wanted to be perfect for Draco.

He had finally come to her at the beginning of fourth year. She had barely been able to control her excitement. He had been rather inexperienced, it was his first time, but by the end of it she was beyond pleased.

When she had begun talking of marriage he had fled the room, telling her she was crazy. She had felt her eyes welling with tears, confused with the turn of events. Couldn't he see they were meant for each other? Hadn't he felt as wonderful as she had moments before?

He didn't speak to her for weeks after that. She had been at the point of despair when suddenly he had come up and asked her to go to the ball with him. She chose to ignore the fact that his eyes were rimmed red and that he looked anything but pleased while asking. Instead she had answered with a resounding yes and flung her arms around his neck. He had stiffly pushed her off and then walked in the other direction, only sending her a curt nod.

It had been enough to make her giddy with happiness.

She spent all day of the ball getting ready, pleased with the pink robes that her mother had sent. The other girls had assured her she looked lovely and, with their praises ringing in her ears, she had stepped into the common room, her eyes searching for Draco.

Once she spotted him she had immediately walked over, beaming at how very handsome he looked. She had waited for the compliments he would surely give her, but instead all she had received was his arm. She had blinked with confusion, but taken his arm despite it and they had walked in silence towards the ball room.

Eventually she had decided he was just shy and began chattering to him about the life they would lead in the future. She had been pleased that he didn't argue and took that as encouragement to continue. It was only when she had realized he wasn't paying attention to a word that she had said that she had begun frowning.

His eyes had been focused on something else in the room and she had followed his line of vision, her eyes coming to rest on another girl there with a periwinkle dress. Her lips had curled distastefully as she observed the Gryffindor mudblood, a vile comment on the tip of her tongue when she caught the expression on Draco's face. Horrified, she had realized it was not one of disgust or hatred, but rather wistful longing.

Later that night, once the ball had ended, she had thrown up in the bathroom, ignoring the other girls when they asked if she was okay. If anyone had noticed her swollen eyes the next day they didn't comment.

She and Draco didn't speak for weeks after that. He had generally ignored her, rarely ever even looking in her direction. She, however, had taken to watching him at all times. She had, upon observation, wondered how she could have missed his infatuation with the mudblood. He watched her all the time, constantly 'accidentally' bumping into her, and then shooting off insults that were lacking in malice.

She had wondered how she was the only one who could have noticed. Everyone else had remained blissfully oblivious.

Finally, she had broken down and written her mother, telling her all about the things that had gone wrong. The letter she had received back had been comforting. Her mother had assured her that a boy like Draco would never allow his affections to stay too long on someone so below him. She had taken up hope, deciding that she would forgive Draco for his straying eyes.

Then the Dark Lord had returned. She had taken a particular pleasure in imagining him killing Granger. She had even gone so far as to telling her father that she was the one that should be taken, one of the people Harry Potter cared about the most.

In the end, she only knew that they had decided it would be too difficult to take a student and instead Sirius Black had ended up dying. Draco had hardly spoken to her at all after that.

When sixth year had rolled around he had been sick all the time. She had been beginning to grow worried over the fact that he had never come back to her since their first time. Once, when she had found him sitting in the common room shaking, his face unnaturally pale, she had offered herself. He had screamed at her to get away from him, his eyes wild and his fists clenched together.

She had run away, frightened despite herself, and sent another letter home. Her mother had told her not to worry. Draco had just had a mission from the Dark Lord that she said was taking up all his time.

She had forgiven him again, all the more determined to reach her life plans. She had set about to convincing him that she was the one he needed, only to find that he was continually gone from the common room for his 'mission,' Eventually she had given up, deciding that she would wait until their seventh year to win him over.

At the end of the year she had heard about his failure to kill Dumbledore. According to the whispered conversation she had eavesdropped on between her father and Goyle's, Draco had been tortured for it. The Dark Lord was staying at the Malfoy Mansion and all members of their family were being punished.

She had felt momentary worry for Draco, but once they had gotten back in school simply began working on her plan to have them engaged. He had been made Head Boy, but instead of showing any interest in anything he spent all his time staring off into space, his expression pensive and miserable. She had grown annoyed with him finally and snapped that they needed to start thinking about their future.

He had stared at her with bewilderment and then slowly told her that they didn't have a future, at least not one together. She had laughed, as though he had said something terribly funny, and then leaned in to kiss him on the lips, telling him to not be silly.

His expression had been verging on disgust as he pushed her off, telling her to stay the hell away from him. She had watched him walk away, stunned, before slowly dropping down in the hallway and sobbing. Madam Pomfrey had given her a calming drought after Millicent took her to the hospital wing.

She had almost given up that day, deciding that perhaps she would go for Blaise instead, but then the Dark Lord was killed. She found out later that her mother had died in the battle, her last message being for her to find her happiness.

She knew her mother had meant for her to marry Draco.

Which was why she was now here, standing outside the store she had seen him enter. It had been three months since the war had ended and she had decided it was time for her to go and convince Draco that they were meant to be together. She needed them to be together. She needed her happiness.

With a bright smile, she opened the door to the shop and stepped inside, a cheerful bell announcing her arrival. She looked around the shop, searching for Draco, when suddenly she heard laughter from behind one of the bookshelves.

Curious, she crept towards it, peeking her head around the side. What she saw had her heart stopping.

Draco was leaning forward, one hand on the bookshelf, right beside a small blonde girl's head. He was smiling, something she hadn't seen for years, and looking down at the girl in front of him as though she was the most perfect thing he had ever seen.

She felt rage overcome her as the girl talked back to him, a flirtatious smile on her lips as she reached up and pushed aside some of his hair. His eyes closed briefly, his smile growing softer at the movement.

She snapped, betrayal pouring through her.

"Draco!" She screeched furiously, launching herself towards the couple. The girl turned, wide blue eyes staring at her with astonishment as she lunged. Draco jumped in front of the girl, stopping her attack before she could land a blow.

"Pansy!" He gripped her arms tightly as she struggled against him, determined to scratch the eyes out of the girl who was taking her happiness. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Get off me!" She shrieked, her voice verging on hysterical. When she found she couldn't move, his grip too tight, she felt some of the fight drag out of her, replaced by a sudden desperation. "How could you?" She demanded fiercely, "How could you do this to me?"

He looked back towards the girl and sent her an apologetic glance that she smiled softly at in return. Pansy scowled at the gesture, but he was already pulling her away from the girl, dragging her outside the shop. He didn't stop pulling her until they reached an alleyway. His grip loosened marginally as he turned to face her, a weary expression in his eyes.

"Pansy," he began softly., "what do you want?"

What did she want? She stared at him disbelievingly. "I want to start our lives together, Draco!" She could feel herself growing agitated at the curiously blank expression on his face. "I've waited my whole life for you! When are we going to be together?"

He released her to run a hand unsteadily through his hair. "Pansy, I've told you before. We're _not _going to be together. We _don't_ have a future." His eyes were soft, pitying as they looked at her. "I'm sorry that you got the wrong idea in fourth year. I never meant to lead you falsely, but if I did I'm truly sorry."

She could feel herself growing desperate. "I forgive you for all that, Draco. Now can't we just start over? Don't you want to be with me?"

A flash of frustration crossed his features. "_No_, Pansy! We can't start over because I don't want to be with you! I never did and I never will."

"Wh -" She broke off, feeling her heart breaking all over again. All those years she had patiently stood by him, ignoring all the things he had done, and now this was how he repaid her? She raised her eyes towards his, rage coursing through her. "I hate you."

He sighed, sending her the same expression she realized he had always graced her with. It was so unlike the one he had been giving the girl in the shop. There was no hint of a smile, no light of affection in his eyes. It was one of weariness, exhaustion, and resentment.

Finally, he shook his head in reply. "I'm sorry for that too." He started to walk away, pausing briefly to look back at her. "Take care of yourself, Pansy."

She watched him disappear around the corner for the second time in her life, slowly sinking down onto the ground. Only after hours of sitting did she finally look up, her expression broken. "What about my happiness?"

There was no reply.

* * *

**AN:** _So I can't even begin to tell you how unbelievably nervous I am about this piece. I've never done any angst writing and I've been debating over whether or not to post this for a month. Argh! Anyway, I finally decided to just do it today. Hopefully it's halfway decent. As always thanks for reading guys and if you have the time a review would be rather nice in this case. I'm just going to post this before I change my mind._


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